At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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