the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I want to be your penis for a week.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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