theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
