you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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