His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
