Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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My ATM looks so different sober.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
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The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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