There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
