im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
