my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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