I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
