I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
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Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
All the doctor said was why
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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