he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
