do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
