Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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