I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
