Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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