Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
