I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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