she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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