he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
