He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
