so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
