I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
