Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He shit in the fireplace
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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