I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
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You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
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Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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