If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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