Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
