I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
