im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
