Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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