Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I want her autograph on my taint
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How does it feel to date your dad?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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