Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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