Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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