I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
