WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
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So squirting runs in the family.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
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I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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