high people should be assigned attendants
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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