living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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