Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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