fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
