my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
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