In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
