I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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