but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.