Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
