so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
