This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
