I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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