Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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