the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i just sent this text using only my big toe
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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