woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi