Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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