How'd it feel making her break her religion?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
