i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
