Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
