You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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