so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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