The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
