I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
