I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
