I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
